JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
ouch