My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I wish this was real life…
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.