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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.