The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back