[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
barbara was highly relatable
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”