I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.