Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]