No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
That de-escalated quickly
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Blew my mind.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.