When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂