Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
You Might Also Like
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
No. He’s not coming out to play
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry