The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
me hooking up with my ex
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Ghost costume 😂
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
The glockness monster
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster