If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Usage Guidelines
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living