Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Cake safety first. Always.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me