NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed