Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
fixed it
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hot Hot Hot
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!