Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice