The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
You Might Also Like
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
broke down and did it
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
this chia pet tastes awful
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.