“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.