girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You Might Also Like
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
i was baptized in a car wash
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.