Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.