Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”