friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end