swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: you think i鈥檓 too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we鈥檙e starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That鈥檚 the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.