(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again