Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.