A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors