I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You Might Also Like
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“you changed” bro i was 15
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.