Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
You Might Also Like
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?