Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.