Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.