How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Perfect
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol