Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Goodnight 🐶
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
me and my fake scenarios
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…