please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter