receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT