A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I triple waxed for this?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes