Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵