god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.