[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers