Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”