the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Spell check is for lasers.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three