My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
sensitive skin
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.