*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.