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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
This will teach them to underestimate me
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Fiction has to make sense.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy