For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that