Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me hitting on a model
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.