sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
spot the difference
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.