Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.