My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
You Might Also Like
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
selena gomez
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I don’t get marriage
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?