Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”