She was REALLY feeling it.
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
me logging onto twitter
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.